so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
