Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
