omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
