Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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