did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
