I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
