I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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