The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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