I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I love you. Go after that dick
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
