I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
