I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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