oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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