No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
ttyl tear gas
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
