there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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