barbara walters just said penis...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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