i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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