A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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