At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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