I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
