For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
