That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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