i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
