I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
