so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
