I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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