So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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