i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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