i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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