Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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