I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize