I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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