so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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