can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
