and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
