Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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