mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
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