why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
