Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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