***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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