onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
