I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
