My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
