I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
