i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
