he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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