The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
