I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
