I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Randomize
