Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
