Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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