Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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