Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she pinky promised me she was 18
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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