I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
